“Quote This!”

Summer. Tis the season to wear a scarf and a tank top.

There’s something awesome about Detroit, and that’s getting the fuck out of it.

The hair grows on company time, so it should get cut on company time.

Hey Rubenstein, I was just passing by BT’s desk and notice this odd note. It states you admitted to being wrong. I know it felt a little cold outside but this confirms it, hell has frozen o-va!

Mike: there is a dead fly in my beer… Well, at least he died happy.

Life without a functioning BB is like hitting a bong with only tobacco

I just received the below forward from my Aunt and proceeded to laugh so hard at my desk that I’m sure people were wondering what was wrong with me.

WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD

 I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re definitely going to shit yourself’ road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.. 

 Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as ‘thunder and lightning’.

 Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck.  Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. 

 Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot. 

 There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me.  Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. 

  I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.  I could’ve warned that poor clerk, but didn’t. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ………BIG mistake!!!!! 

 Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.  Suddenly things were no longer funny.. ‘It’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand explosion took place.
  Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left. 

  Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’ 

  My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. 

  Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

Is this band really amazing? Or am I just really high?

Robyn: Jeff, do you want water?
Jeff: I have beer. There’s lots of water in beer.

I was so drunk you could have blindfolded me with dental floss.

DP: You sound smart on this email thread.
amanda: Copy and paste, yo.
DP: C&P like it aint no thang!!! -Master T, MuchMusic.
amanda: Master T grew up in KW. I saw him at Shoppers Drug Mart once in like, 1996.
DP: HUGE moment in the life of one arubin. He was likely purchasing massive amounts of hair product and silver polish for his bling.
amanda: Dippity-do hairgel for sure.
amanda: Damn. I wonder if they still make that stuff?
DP: They do, I own it.

bt: Any chance you can send me Low by Flo-rida? Lost it on my BlackBerry I think.
amanda: Done and done.
bt: You rock. Thanks dude.
amanda: Tough to have an RDP without your favourite song!
bt: It’s true. I was worried.
bt: An RDP without Flo-rida is like McDonalds without the fries.

troy: I was reading up on the stats. Canada has won more medals every winter Olympics for the last 20 years.
amanda: Because they keep adding new sports that we’ve invented. We always win when no one else has had a chance to learn how to do it yet!

LQ: What’s the card game BT makes us play?
amanda: It’s actually me, not him. And it’s called Up the River, Down the River.
LQ: Right!
amanda: Though I like that you blame him for it. Usually something that forces you to get wasted is BT’s fault.

amanda: So you’re asking me to start the project later and somehow also manage to finish it sooner?
Product Manager: It sounds ridiculous when you say it like that.
amanda: It also sounded ridiculous when you said it. You just used different words.

Dp: pregnant ladies scare me. Its like they are covered in dynamite and you are holding the candle.

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amanda: I might have to kill myself if both of these projects go into the lab the same week.
chuck: If it ends up the same LE, I will personally mix the Kool-Aid and we can drink it together.

Jenny B: The sober realization I tried to pull a “Mike Tyson” on DP’s ear is slightly embarrassing.

Dp: you honestly can’t wear purple velvet in public.
Joanna: unless your prince.

Willy:  I want to go and see Where the Wild Things Are…..  Joanna,  can I borrow your kids tonight?

Willy: Why are you talking about kids in the hall?
Dp: I think all conversations get there eventually.

… and their business:

Sticker on G&A van: “Drive Carefully. We don’t cut keys for Heaven”

LindaQ: We ran into Patterson and Sarah Bennison.
amanda: What? Did you just say you saw Patterson with “some Mexican”?

Amazing
…

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ak: This guy is always confused.
amanda: Can I unconfuse him with my fist?

Boo ya!

That’s what she said

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Jillian: My forearms hurt… I think it’s from playing too much Word Mole.

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So I woke up last night around 3am to a guy shouting at this kid for trying to break into his car. There were a couple of funny quotes that came from this situation:

Guy on the phone to the cops (standing on the sidewalk in his boxers I might add):

Ya, so i caught up to the on guy on the bike and …
*gets interrupted by the person on the other end for a second* …
Yes they were white!

The cops finally come and Jillian is intently looking out the window now…
Jillian: There are 3 cop cars coming… Oh wait, it’ s just a triple image created by the windows.

Jillian: Cop cars are so noisy…this guy should drive a Prius.  They’re hella quiet.

goldie: Wait, you don’t like Chippendales? Isn’t it a bunch of naked guys with six-packs?
amanda: It’s gross! Naked strangers creep me out.
goldie: Who cares if they’re strangers? How am I more excited about this than you are?
amanda: That’s going on the quote blog.
goldie: Don’t put my name on it.

Co-worker: *pretends to karate kick the co-op*
Co-op: Watch yourself!
Co-worker: You watch yourself. You’re no Mr. Miyagi.
Co-op: Who’s Mr. Miyagi?

Phil: I left her in the capable hands of dave patterson
Ron (who we have spent the last 3 days with): who is dave patterson?
Phil: the ginger!
Ron: oh!

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I feel like ginger in the sun light
Amazing

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Bouncer: you can’t spit ice on a girl and not get kicked out.
Dp: ask her… She was in to it.

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You definitely want to chew that well so it doesn’t hurt when it comes back up.

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The new BlackBerry flip

A qwerty flip
Amazing…
Phil found his BlackBerry under a pull out couch this morning.

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Ron: did someone just fart or is that still mine lingering around.
*starts the fan

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bt: I don’t know how you can drink guinness hung over
Phil: it goes down smooth and its not carborated
Dp: its not what?
Phil: carborated, what?
Dp: I think you mean carbonated.

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Phil: if you were going to give the US an enima you would stick the hose in Buffalo.

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Dp: I can’t find the clock on this BlackBerry.
bt: its in the applications folder.
Dp: its not! I looked there.
Meebs: give it to me I will find it for you. There it is.
Dp: where did you find it?
Meebs: the applications folder.
Dp: no way, there is only 7 icons in there and none of them are the clock.
Meebs: scroll up!

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meg to phil: do a better job organizing my fridge like a true woman.

Girls are often bi or tri polar! Guys on the other hand have a single pole that does all the thinking!

Dp: we only ate half of our junk food.
bt: that’s pretty much like being on a diet.

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Rando in long point: if you don’t know every line from anchor man you should be shot and beat with a dead hooker.

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Dp: I had a dream I went to a house party with kate hudson last night.
Willy: did you look like A-rod?

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bt: you know what’s the best bug spray ever?
Dp: raid?

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SDCard/BlackBerry/pictures/IMG00042-20090807-2042(640).jpg
Dp: we will just trick the bugs in to thinking we are over here

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bt: why did you call your sis?
Willy: I didn’t know what the base of the nacho dip is supposed to be.
bt: oh I could have told you that! Not really how to make it though, I just know how to eat it.

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Taxi driver 2: what did the egg say to the boiling water?
It may take me a while to get hard because I just got laid last night

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bt: we had the most wicked cab driver here
Mebs: so did we… Me

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Sarah b: that’s tamaras dog, didn’t I tell you my ovaries started working again.

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